i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You can't special order awesome
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
