I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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