Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
