guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
