Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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