the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
