I'm really into asian looking animals
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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