i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
