Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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