But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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