she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
