I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
