So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
