I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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