I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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