I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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