I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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