can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
