She went from zero to smokin in five shots
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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