He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize