How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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