I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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