Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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