I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
