He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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