i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
