You can't special order awesome
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
