when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
