apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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