I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Enjoy the penises
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
