you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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