I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
