I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
