I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
