I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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