First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize