dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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