think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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