wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
