god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
