I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
