I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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