Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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