i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
