just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
