Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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