the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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