Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
