Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
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