Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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