When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
