I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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