rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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