I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
