i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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