I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
