I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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