If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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