Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
