You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
